The Unauthorized Guide
by Hobbit Fizz
Summary: The unauthorized retelling of the movie version of Sparks' tragic romance or at least one person's take on it. Warning: Parody
1. Pier Pressure

No, I don't own the rights to this book or the movie inspired by this book. That goes right to the poor Nick Sparks who makes a living selling this stuff. Angry movie fans, please direct your hatred towards the e-mail button, not towards the comment oneas I haven't got time for cowardly anonny-mice biting my ankles.

----

_Opening credits. A random teenager screams. The music is way too perky for such a "depressing" film. A Car pulls up in a street lit with blue _

Blonde Skank: Is he here yet?

Brunette Skank: He's scared! Nancy boy!

Token Black Guy: I gotta drain the lizard!

_As he starts peeing, a red car with license plates "COMPNSATN" nearly hits him. It drives past Brunette Skank, who is force-feeding her tongue to Main Jerk. Out of the car steps Redeemable Jerk Landon Carter._

Landon: (_all demanding, smooth and cocksure)_ The prince demands beer.

Brunette skank: Ahh raka aa aata saal!

Landon: What?

Brunette skank: (_Removing her tongue from Main jerk's tonsils) _I said we drank it all back at the high school.

Landon: What were we doing at high school? We're old enough to drink… hell, we look almost old enough to be able to co-sign. … Not that I'd do that… I'm tough and mean and answer to nobody.

Brunette and Blonde: …

Landon: … You drank it all? The whole case?

Blonde: We had to do something to loosen ourselves and get rid of our hang-ups… (_gives Landon a seductive look_) didn't we?

Black Guy: And to promote the fact that you're the mean ones by engaging in destructive teenage habits, therefore illustrating the heroes change and the purity of the female lead.

Everyone: … …

Blonde: Shut up, Eric!

Eric: (_Is so thrilled to be given a name that he does shut up, oblivious to the fact that his name will only be uttered about three times during the film_)

_They wait around for a while. Main Jerk decides to get violent and rude with the ladies._

Brunette: (_Whiny)_ I waana go back to the daa-aance!

Landon: I don't dance. I'm mean!

_A little mini-car, obviously uncool and nerdish, pulls up. Out steps typical out crowd boy (who is handsome in an offbeat way). He leaves his car parked by the three other 'cool' cars, which promptly pick on the poor mini-car for being different._

Main Jerk: Look at that car, man! It's not like ours! Ha!

Landon: I know! Ha-ha!

Auxiliary Jerk: His clothes are different, too! Hey, dude! Your clothes are different!

Outcrowd boy: Mmm.

Main Jerk: You're late! Grrr! (_Steps up to him, trying to scare him)_

Landon: Down, boy. DOWN!

_Main Jerk marks his territory and walks off, hair high so that they all know he's the top dog_

Landon: Don't worry. We're thinking of getting him fixed.

_The group walks over to a water tower which overlooks a shallow quarry. They all sit_

Main Jerk: Ok, kid! You jump off of that rickety platform into the water and well let you into our group! Got it?

Boy: (_Looks up at tower) (Looks down into water)_ So you want me to strip off all my clothes and leave them here with my keys… where you could easily run off with them…

Main Jerk: Yop!

Boy: And climb up that rusty metal tetanus-encrusted ladder…

Main Jerk: Uh-hu

Boy: And dive off of that fifty foot tower into about two feet of dirty sludgewater?

Main Jerk: Right, right.

Boy: And assuming I survive this stunt for your entertainment, I'll become a member of your in-crowd where I'll be able to laugh at others and make everyone feel like nothing, the way you made me feel ever since we met?

Jerk: Uhhh... you get to make out with the skank of your choice, too.

Brunette skank: Plus the dental plan is great!

Kid: … … Well, you've sold me!

_The kid strips. Main Jerk surreptitiously makes a note of the boy's slender neck, his lightly freckled arms, and his legs, which are, in his opinion, meaty and satisfying. Shaking off such lustful thoughts, he quickly frenches Brunette skank as the desperate boy darts off and climbs up the tower, followed by Landon. Below, the in-crowd watches. Blonde has a box of gummy bears and Auxiliary jerk has popcorn._

Main Jerk: Wooo! Yeah! UUUH!

Boy: (_Looking down)_ Umm… Hey, guys? Did you all go through the same initiation to get into this group?

Auxiliary jerk: Uhh… well… (_Yelling up_) Sorry, can't hear you! Dive off and come here and ask us again!

Boy: (_Turns to Landon_) But just tell me, did you---

Landon: (_Cutting him off)_ Sorry, I can't hear you when you're not succumbing to peer-pressure.

Boy: …?

Landon: I'll go with you. Ok? (_Smiles sincerely)_ One… two… Three!

_The poor desperate child jumps from the platform, while Landon stays behind. About halfway down, the kid realizes that this probably wasn't the best of ideas_

Boy: AAA**SPLAT**

In-Crowd: Ha-ha-ha! Tee-hee-hee! Ho-ho-ho! Hee-hee-hee

_Kid comes floating up, not moving_

In-Crowd: … …

Kid: _Floooat_

In-crowd: …

Brunette: OMG He's huuuurt!

Landon: (_Thinking_) _Hurt? Let's see… circumstantial evidence, plus bad kid track record… times angry parents with lawyers… divided by liability… equals…_ Oh squit

_Landon climbs in to help the floating kid. He is given unhelpful advice from the others on the dock, such as "Hurry!" and "Get him out! Now! He's hurt!" He scoops up the kid, not bothering to support his head, despite the fact that it's entirely likely he's sustained a head or neck injury._

Landon: He must have hit something! Like this pipe or … some reeds…

_Or maybe the **floor**, hu, smart one?_

Night watchman: Hey! You damn kids!

Those not in the water: EEEK! Authority figure! Our one weakness! Run like chipmunks!

Watchman: (_Calls for the police_)

Landon: (_Still not supporting the kid's now bleeding head_) Umm… guys? … Buddys? … You wouldn't leave one of your pals here… wouja?

In-crowd: (_Runs back, assists boy out of the water, then run away, not bothering to take into account that the watchman might notice the unconscious nubile young lad and take him to the hospital where he might I.D. the rest of them_.)

Landon: (_Watches them go) (Turns to Boy_) Hey… hey, you ok?

Boy: (_Unconscious)_

Landon: … Umm… so… no hard feelings about this, right?

Boy: (_Unconscious_)

Landon: I mean.. you're one of us, so… no need to hold us liable or anything, or even I.D. us!

Boy: (_Not getting any more conscious_)

Landon: (_Singing_) If you waive the right to sue, don't clap your hands! If you waive the right to sue, don't clap your hands!

Police: A-ha!

Landon: (_Still singing_) If you waive the right to sue, shift the blame from me to you, if you--- (_Looks up at police_) Aww peas.

_Landon takes off, making sure to grab his designer jeans along the way. He hops into his car and speeds off, but is cut off by a squad car_

Police Officer: (_Coming out of the car and walking up to Landon_)

Landon: Er… hello, officer! Nice night for a dri---(_Gets maced)_

Next Week: Part II. In Which Landon gets what's coming to him, Eric sets the race back about fifty years, and we're introduced to the Non-Prostitot female lead.


	2. Part Secunda

Here we go with Part two. I've written all of it, but now I've got to put it into acceptable format. I'll e-mail the entire thing if anyone wants. Not that anyone wants.

Any percieved racism is meant to be a jab at the steryotypical roles portrayed in many teen movies.

I assume you're all familiar with the term OTP (One True Pairing). Once again, I'd never claim the characters as my own. Blame Sparks.

* * *

_Landon limps in to breakfast wearing a designer bandage on his head and sits down. His hot!Mom is also in the enormous kitchen and refuses to look a him. _

Landon: Momeee, my leg huuuurts… (_Wimper, simper)_

Mom: I'm calling your dad.

Landon: NO! I'm not talking to him! He's a mean old man that doesn't understand me and is stupid and wouldn't buy me an ice cream cone at the fair when I was fifteen!

Mom: You have to. You need a male in your life. Everyone knows that a boy needs a father! A woman is incapable of raising a boy on her own. I mean… just look at how you turned out!

Landon: (_Looks at his reflection in the spoon and smiles_) Yeeeah… Lookin' good…

Mom: I mean it! Boys go bad when just a woman raises them! It's got everything to do with the entire sex and not because of my own disinterest in you that renders me incapable of paying attention to you or teaching you that using your influence to wound others for your own entertainment is wrong. (_Looks at him_) Put that spoon down!

_Meanwhile, Pastor Sullivan is giving a sermon in church_

Pastor: Dear God, we're thankful that the young boy that fell into temptation and some sludge water is still alive and with only minimal brain damage _CoughThankstothekidssittinginrowstwosix  
andseven_Cough and we ask you to watch over the kids that told him to jump from that tower Cough_They'resittinginrowstwosixandseven_Cough and pray that you don't deliver plagues onto them and their home addresses CoughW_hichhappentobelistedonthechurch_  
_bulletinboardalongwithphonenumbers_Cough

In-Crowd: …

Blonde skank: (_Glare_)

Pastor: Cough_DidImetionthey'resittinginrowstw osixandseven_?Cough… ok, I'm done.

Choir: Laaaaa!

_The camera is obviously fixated on the youngest member of the choir. She sings a little solo with a look in her eye that goes from angelic to vampy about six times. Landon fidgets. Blonde skank looks angrily at the singing girl. _

Next day, obviously Monday from the vocal soundtrack in the background. All of the high-schoolers are out with their cliques, most of the girls advertising themselves up to the point where all that's missing is "Cheap as free" on their exposed chests. Landon and his crew are hanging out, too

Landon: So yeah, I lied to them and got off Scott free! Thank goodness for the revolving door court system that money buys for us rich white folks! (_Laughs_) … Oh… sorry Eric.

_Eric is just happy they said his name and is looking forward to having two lines that aren't just comic relief._

Blonde skank: Ewww, there's Jamie! Look at her with her dress that doesn't show off her underwear and her sweater that isn't so tight that we can see the outline of her ribcage!

Brunette Skank: Yeah! She's different!

Blonde Skank: Hey, nice sweater.

Jamie: (_Sweetly_) Thanks

Romanic Audience: AWWW, she's soooo sweeeeeet! You go, Jamie!

Cynical Audience: You just gonna take that? Say something! Say "Nice cavernous, overly-used vaginal entrance, harlot!" Damn, what a doormat.

Slashy audience: OMG BlondeSkank/JamieSullivanOTP!

In-crowd_: (laughs while Jamie is still within earshot)_

_Landon is in the Principal's office. The principal has a bunch of beer bottles on his desk. He pulls out more as Landon watches_

Principal: We know you were drinking here, Landon. Now you may _look_ old enough to drink… and probably old enough to rent a car… but you're not.

Landon: (_Stares and fidgets with his designer head bandage_)

Principal: Oh, Landon… so young and rebellious… You should thank me for telling the owners of that property that I'd… (_Licks his lips_) punish you myself… (_Gets up) _I know your type, Landon… you crave strong discipline… and I will give it to you. And you can beg and plead and let crystalline tears cascade onto your pink tinted cheeks, but I will punish you mercilessly…

Landon: …Er…

Principal: (_Sits and wipes his brow_) Ahem… You're going to help the janitor after school…

Landon: (_Thinking_) _Oh no! Not janitorial work!_ (_Aloud)_ Fiiiine

Principal: Tutor on Saturdays…

Landon: (_Thinking_) _Oh good God! Not tutorial work!_ (_Aloud_) Fiiiine

Principal: And… you'll take the lead part in the drama club's spring play.

Landon: (_Thinking_) _Oh mercy please! Not THEATRE_! (_Aloud_) Fiiiine.

_Landon, now wearing a sporty looking leg brace with a matching stylish crutch to go with his designer head bandage, is sweeping the floor. Jamieis talking to some invisible people_

Jamie: Cookies to whoever guesses the object in my hand.

Landon: Starfinder. Fork over the cookies.

Jamie: (_Ignores him and continues talking about her starfinder_)

Main Jerk: Ooo, can you see angels up there?

Possee: Ha-ha-ha! Good one!

Main jerk: Thanks. I just made it up! (_Proud of himself_)

Jamie: (_Serenely Quotes Einstein_)

Romantic Audience members: Yeeea! Go-Jamie!

Cynical Audience members: Ok, that sweet innocent bit is getting a bit old now.

Main Jerk: _diss_

Jamie: _Counter-Diss_

Posse: PWN'D!

Main Jerk: Come on, Landon, let's go. I need to mend my pride by wounding the pride of others.

Landon: Well you'll have to cajole me into it. I'm trying to be good.

Auxillary Jerk: Ok. … Come on maaan! … How's that?

Landon: Ok, just lemme give an unnecessary foreshadowing glance at Jamie, ok?

_Landon gives blonde skank a ride home_

Blonde Skank: You know, my parents aren't home… we have the whole house to ourselves… I've got my diaphragm in…

Landon: No.

Blonde skank: WWhateverrrr. (_Heaves her bosoms hopefully and gets out of the car and leaves in a huff)Landon Sprays the passenger seat with Lysol._

_The next morning_

Landon's Mom: Get up, Landon! You have to tutor the dummys!

Landon: Mumblemutter (_Gets up to go tutor_)

_At the school_

Landon: Learn, damn you! Why won't you learn!

Kid: (_Gets up and leaves_)

Landon: … What'd I say?

_On The bus home_

_Landon turns on his walkman. The music can be heard from two seats away, and yet he puts on headphones. Jamie sits next to him_

Jamie: (_Shouting over the music_) Wanna buy raffle tickets? They're to raise money for school computers.

Landon: (_Shouting_) What?

Jamie: (_Shouting_) I said wanna buy raffle tickets! Fund raiser! New Computers!

Landon: (_Shouting_) I don't want a new computer!

Jamie: (_Shouting_) No, not you! Fund raiser for the school!

Landon: (_Shouting_) Thank you! This is a stylish crutch, isn't it?

Jamie: (_Gives up_)… (_Shouting_) So, you really… shouted at that kid today, didn't you? Can I interest you in some advice?

_Landon ignores her, or perhaps he's finally gone deaf_

Jamie: (_Shouting_) So, are ya gonna visit that kid that you put in the hospital?

Landon: (_Takes off his headphones angrily_) Hey, I heard that! … somehow…

Jamie: Wow… so you did hear me…

Landon: Oh, go read your bible.

Jamie: There's more to me than that, you know.

Landon: Yeah, like your one sweater and other miscellaneous superficial facts I know about you.

Jamie: Yeah!

Landon: Hey, that remark should have cut you to the core! Why aren't you cut? Didn't my witty retort sting you?

Jamie: No. (_Walks off_)

_Landon Goes back to destroying his eardrums_

_Eric drives Landon to play practice_

Eric: … Cheer up! Here, want me to do my token black guy routine? (_Turns up loud hip-hop music and comments on the directing teacher's breasts_)

Landon: Grrrrr

Eric: You're gonna wear makeup! Ha-ha-ha and other emasculating jokes.

Landon: Well Aww, just come pick me up in an hour,ok? (_Takes his stylish crutches_)

Eric: Sure… (_Comments on large butts_)

Landon: (_leaves_) I love the token black guy routine…

Slashy audience members: LANDON/ERIC OT-INTERRACIAL-P!

**In the school theater**

Teacher: This play is sexy and for some of you Cough_Landon_Cough it might bring along certain major changes in character.

Landon: What? I'm late! Were you saying something?

Teacher: (_Dissapointed that she didn't get to foreshaddow to Landon_)Oh, just as well (_Starts handing out parts_)

_The students start doing some pretty bad acting. Fortunately, some of them actually look a bit like highschool students. Landon, despie being good at lying, royally sucks at acting. Later on, he's waiting around outside with his stylish crutches, looking a little angry, probably because he doesn't have his designer head bandage anymore. Jamie walks up behind him_

Landon: My fashion sense is tingling… (_Turns to face Jamie_) What?

Jamie: Would it kill you to try?

Landon: Yep, and I'm too young to die.

Jamie: You look about twenty-six.

Landon: That's still pretty young… and I'm eighteen, ok? Eighteen!

Jamie: And you're scared that after you leave high school, you won't get to lead a posse anymore. (_Smarms and walks away_)

Landon: That's so irritating… and yet strangely arousing my man bits… Aww, my ride's not coming… Hey! (_Limps over to Jamie_) Jaaaamieee I… (_suddenly remembers that it's not mommy he's trying to schmooze_) Ahem! Hey, baby, hows about givin' ol' Landon a ride?

_In the car, Landon fiddles around with the radio stations. Jamie grits her teeth at his taste in music_

Jamie: Befriending someone I dislike is number fourty-two on a list of things to do before I die. I've got others, such as spending a year in the peace corpse and other acts of selflessness.

Landon: (_Ducks when he sees skanky Brunette out of the window_) Yipes! People I know! Ooohhh, I'm gonna kill Eric for forgetting me.

* * *

That does it for Part Secunda. More on the way, I promise. 


	3. Montage

This is ever so much fun to do. Try it sometime. 

Charactes not mine (They're all yours, Sparksie). Please remember that this is a parody. I don't mean to offend those of you that enjoyed A Walk To Remember. 

Nobody's trying to bash your story. 

Still, flames are welcomed. Thank you, Lorah. I loved your comment! 

**

* * *

**

**Landon's Yard**

_Eric and Landon are reading for the play. Landon decided to forgive Eric 'cause he just couldn't stay mad at the token black guy routine. Landon has somehow become a better actor, and he's walking without his sporty looking leg brace. He does, however, still have the stylish crutch and now, for a limited time only, a trendy limp._

Eric: Boring! Think I'll make a sex joke…

Landon: No! I have three weeks to memorize what I didn't and couldn't in three months! And then from here, I'll change my whole life at an extremely rapid rate!

Eric: Pffft. Sure.

Landon: (_Frowny face_)

Eric: Aww, come on… you can count on me. I'll be there.

Landon: (_Smiley face_) Thanks, Eric

Slashy audience members: OMGtheirloveis_so_crosscultural!

Romantic audience members: Shhhh!

Slashy Audience members: Fookin' het fans…

**Later on at School  
**  
Landon: Hey, Jamie, wazzap?

Jamie: What is it you need?

Landon: (_Dropping the nice act_) Help with my lines. I worked and worked with Eric but I was… distracted.

Slashy fans: (_Thinking_) By your burning love for him…

Jamie: Say pretty please.

Landon: What?

Jamie: And curtsey.

Landon: …

Jamie: Sorry, I got carried away there. I'll help, but only if you promise not to fall for me.

Landon: Deal!

Jamie: You were a bit quick with that answer.

**At Jamie's House**

Pastor Sullivan: What? That kid from row two, six, or seven is coming over here? I'll go hide my firearms.

Jamie: But I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

Pastor Sullivan: You know, I have a nice boy for you, Jamie. He's caring and thoughtful, and I think you'd really hit it off with him…

Jamie?

_Pastor Sullivan gives her a little Jesus statue_

Jamie: Daddy, we've been through this already! We're just friends!

Pastor Sullivan: I'll just leave you two alone… (Doorbell rings) Oh great… honey, your heathen friend is here.

_Jamie runs to answer the door. She gives Landon a shy smile, and he gives her a bored-ish look. She lets him in, then disappears for a minute. Landon spots the other man in Jamie's life—the Jesus statue._

Landon: Hey, how's it going?

Pastor Sullivan: I'm fine. I'm Jamie's dad.

Landon: Eeep…!

Pastor Sullivan: Fear me.

Landon: …

Pastor Sullivan: (_Walking into his office_) Don't touch her. Don't touch anything. Oh, and by the way, I know you're the one leaving gum on the seats in church.

Landon: (_Defiant stare_)

_Later on, after a bit of banter between Landon and his buddies, the young redeemable jerk is driving home and sees Jamie going into a cemetery. He decides to follow her in for no good reason at all._

Landon: (_Running up behind her_) Boogity-boo!

Jamie: Stop doing that. (_Gives him a semi-vampy look_)

Landon: Watcha doin?

Jamie: Follow me.

_Forgetting that characters that follow quiet girls into cemeteries are usually in horror movies or prison films, Landon follows Jamie to the next scene, which is in a big open field_

Jamie: I built this telescope when I was twelve. And by built I mean took it out of the cardboard box and put it on it's stand. And by twelve I mean sixteen. I'm gonna build another so I can see a comet that may or may not be here sometime soon. And by build I mean take out of a cardboard box.

Landon: I'm totally cynically unimpressed by your spirituality, as I have none.

Jamie: Oh?

Landon: Yep. So much evil in the world, I can't believe.

Jamie: Bad makes the good feel even better.

Landon: … I knew a dominatrix that used to say that.

**In school the next day**

Eric: Legs! Legs! OOO, short skirts!

Landon: Down, boy.

Brunette skank: They're trashy!

Audience: …

Brunett: OOoo, and here's that prude Jamie.

Auxiliary Jerk: There's just no pleasing you, is there?

Jamie: Hi, Landon! Can't wait to see you after school.

In crowd: Hu? (_Turns to Landon and crouches, ready to strike_)

Landon: Uhhh… (_Knowing that his next move is vital to his throne in the clique_) Uhh… yeah right!

In crowd: (_Laughs at his witty retort_)

Jamie: Oh…!

Cynical Audience: Oh, don't act so hurt. You should have seen that coming!

_Jamie is practicing her piano when the doorbell rings. It's Landon_

Landon: Hey. How ya doin? Ok, let's get started. Got anything to eat? I'm starved!

Jamie: (Slams door) 

Landon: Hey, wait! Come back!

Jamie: Whaaat?

Landon: Practice! You promise!

Jamie: You're too embarrassed by me.

Landon: I like to think of it as… secret line running. You're my secret... squirrel. (_Seeing that she's about to slam the door again_) Jamie, come on! My throne is at stake! Throne!

Jamie: (_Purely_) I guess I was wrong about you, Landon. (_Closes door_)

Landon: (Angrily) Aarrghhh... Peas! Peas, peas, PEAS!

_Pastor Sullivan appears at the door with amazing speed for an old guy, and Landon runs away. Later on, he's looking through her yearbook, where he sees that her ambition is to witness a miracle. The audience flinches, as it is very painful when foreshadowing is applied with a hammer._

**At the tutoring place**

Landon: Learn… learn… come on! If you don't learn, I'll never get to start my self-bettering montage! … AUGH! How can I make you learn… (_Spots basketball_)

Kid??

Landon: If you make two triangles, I'll play basketball with you.

Kid: Fun time!

_Jamie is, of course, watching. We cut to a montage of Landon becoming a better character. He studies for the play (on his own), rehearses at school, allows himself to be physically abused by the director, oogles Jamie while she's not looking, and chews a pencil, all to a jaunty little montage tune. The two even manage to walk past each other in slow motion. Cynical audience finds itself sort of enjoying the couples (thus is the power of the montage) but that soon fades._

**Scene: Hospital**

_Landon goes to visit the boy he tried to help commit suicide. The hospital looks a lot like a nursing home or hotel for some reason._

Landon: … Hey

Boy: (_Broody look_)

Slashy audience: He's a bottom. Definitely.

Landon: (_Breathily_) I'm sorry…

Slashy audience: TEH FLUFF!

Boy: Meh.

Landon: I feel awful, you know.

Boy: Good. Go away, I don't like you anymore.

Slashy audience: TEH LOVERS QUARREL!

Landon: I did jump one time. I got… you know… a couple of cuts… and… I broke a toenail.

Boy: …

Landon: It grew back.

Boy: (_Gives Landon a seductive_ _look_)

Landon: (_Gives him a seductive look back, then looks at the TV_) Ahem… I'll… see you at school

Slashy audience: Awww…

_At the school play, Landon seems to have gotten better at acting. Eric is asleep, probably angry that this is one of the last times his face will be on screen and mad that Landon was busy playing nurse with Injured Boy and probably canoodling with Auxiliary Jerk. Jamie comes in, all covered up in a big ol' shapeless robe. The play goes on_

Landon: (_Broody sigh_) My character's deeeeep and badaaassss like me. … If I lived in the 1920's.

Jamie: (_Strips_)

Landon: 0.o

Eric: o.0

Audience: 0.0

Cynical audience: Oh, so all she had to do was loose the ponytail and throw on a dress and then everyone sees that she's pretty?

Observant audience: Dude… Her _dad's_ eyeballing her… 0.0

Landon: You're beautiful…

Jamie: (_Shellshocked, 'cause that's not in the script_) … (_Gets_ _over it_)

Jamie: Laaaa! (_Her vamp-type looks are more prominent_)

Landon: (_Begins to fall in love)_

Jamie: Laaa la! (_Minces around stage_) LAAAA!

Landon: (_Falls completely in love_)

Observant audience: She's singing relatively lightly, so how can they hear her?

Jamie: (_Chews up the scenery with her solo_)

Cynical audience: Hey, you're right… Wow, even the play within the movie has is half-arsed.

Jamie: LA! Oooo ooohh. (_Is done_)

_She's wearing way too much lip gloss and is obviously trying to seduce him._

Landon: (_Thinking_) Wow, she's amazing…

Ronantic audience: Oooohh... that was so touching… so beautiful… so emotionally driven… a ballad sung from her heart illustrating their future romance…

Cynical audience: You can see his pores from space…

Slashy Audience: She was SO singing to blonde skank.

Landon: (_Leans over and kisses her_)

Romantic audience: YAAY!

Slashy audience: Cheating scum! (_Throws_ _popcorn_) Poor Eric!

_Meanwhile, Eric has disappeared momentarily, fallen through the gaping double plothole_

Blonde Skank!! Grrr… Blonde skank ANGRY!

Pastor Sullivan: Wow… my daughter's a smokin' hottie… I wonder… (_Shakes_ _head_) No, no, that's illegal…

_After the play, Landon's Dad runs up to him_

Landon: Go away! I have nothing to say to you, you mean old strangely attractive man! (_Walks off_)

Dad: Don't walk away.

Landon: You taught me how.

Audience: Ooo, burn!

* * *

Next time: In which Landon tries to make Jamie like him, Pastor Sullivan feels the indecent twinge, and we all get to see what happens when generation Y learns to use photoshop. 


	4. Three Step Seduction

I wonder... are there are any other sappy teen romance movies that I can make observations on? I'll have to find some.

**

* * *

**

**Scene: Cafeteria**

Landon: (_Sitting by Jamie_) Watcha reading?

Jamie: A book

Landon: Would I like it?

Jamie: Not really, there's nothing to color.

Landon: Come on, I'm trying to be nice Cough_Andgetsome_Cough

Jamie: (_Oblivious_) Reading this is part of my to-do list. (_Drinks some orange juice_) Mmm… vitamin Ceelicious.

Landon: Come on, let's hang out. I've got a room all to myself, with a cooler filled with juice box.

Jamie: (_Gets up and runs away_)

Landon: Damn… too much.

_He follows her out of the school_

Jamie: Go away, I don't wanna be your friend.

Landon: I don't wanna be _just_ your friend!

Jamie: Ew.

Landon: (_All forceful and romantic and manly_) You want to be with me, too, Jamie. And you're scared.

Romantic audience: Ooooohhh! He's so forceful and manly!

Cynical audience: That's sexual harassment. And you don't have to take it.

Jamie: They're right; I don't. (_Jumps into her Godmobile and drives away_)

**Scene: Landon's place**

_Eric is listening to some Missy E_

Eric: Wheee!

Landon: Turn it down! I can't concentrate on screwing this in with all that music!

Eric: Come on… you love the token black guy routine.

Landon: … God help me, I do.

Eric: (_Puts in one of Landon's CD's_) Woah, what's this?

Landon: Jamie's Sweatin' to the Scriptures CD. She lent it to me.

Observant Audience: Wait… I thought she didn't want to be friends… Watch out, Eric! Don't fall through the plothole again!

Eric: Oh great. You've been brainwashed by the Christ Crispies.

Landon: She's not like that!

Eric: (_Pouting_) I can't stand this! She's stealing you from us!

Landon: … (_Feels bad_)

**Scene: Jamie's house**

_Jamie's on the porch, reading a book, emitting holy light. Landon comes up to her, holding a gift in a bag_

Jamie: Grrr… (_Spots gift_) ooo, what's that?

Landon: For you.

Jamie: What is it?

Landon: A gift. Um… don't open it until I'm fifteen to thirty feet away.

Jamie: Uhh…

Landon: Heh… just kidding! (_Backs away_) Ok… bye! (_Swaggers off, past Pastor Sullivan_)

Landon: (_Thinking_) _Phase one of Operation: Seduce Jamie is a success!_

_Jamie opens it to find a sweater._

Romantic audience: AWWWW! That's so Sweeeet!

Cynical audience: Isn't that… sort of insulting?

Pastor Sullivan: You know he just wants to… … you know.

Jamie: Hmm?

Pastor Sullivan: Boys like that have just one thing on their minds.

Jamie: College?

Pastor Sullivan: No…

Jamie: Society's standards?

Pastor Sullivan: No. They… expect things.

Jamie: You mean like radical social change?

Pastor Sullivan: Nevermind. Just remember that God is watching you.

Jamie: (_Looks up and waves, then kisses her dad and goes off to do pure things_)

Pastor Sullivan: (_Blushes_) … Easy, man… remember the bible…

**Scene: Landon's home**

_Landon is cooking some steam while his mom watches and shreds a green leafy veggie_

Mom: Your dad says he saw you at the play.

Landon: He's not _my_ Daddy. He left us.

Mom: You know---

Landon: (_Holding up his hand_) Frwooooooshhhh…

**Scene: School**

_Eric and blonde skank and auxiliary jerk are looking at pictures of Jamie. _

Eric: I think she out-hots you in this picture.

Blonde Skank: No she doesn't!

Auxiliay Jerk: Oh, but she does.

Blonde Skank: I'll show you… I'll turn her hotness against her. You'll see. You'll all see!

Auxiliary Jerk: (_Gasp_) You don't mean…

Blonde Skank: Yes… We're going to… _digitally alter pictures of herwith photoshop 5.0!_ Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!

Auxiliary Jerk: How dastardly!

_So the mean ol' kids superimpose Jamie's face (rather crappily) onto the body of a very hot supermodel and print off billions of copies and hand them around school. It's a wonder they find time to do homework. Soon, Jamie comes down the hallway, pleasantly unaware of anything sinister. Blonde skank runs up to her_

Blonde Skank: Hi, Jamie

Jamie: Hi… (_Clutches her cross and is prepared to shout "Get thee gone, Satan!"_)

Blonde skank: I'm sowwwyyy.

Jamie?

Slashy audience: You only hurt the ones you love…

Blonde skank: Forgivsies?

Jamie: Umm…

Blonde skank: Let's celebrate our friendship with a best friends lunch, ok?

Slashy audience: (_Thinks of a few inappropriate "cunning linguist" comments that could be made right now_)

_They walk into lunch, Jamie smiling serenely. Blonde skank holds up the picture of her. Jamie doesn't notice it, 'cause she's too busy looking around. Seems that everyone has a piece of paper and is laughing._

Audience: Damn… when did they print all of those?

Blonde skank: A-HEM! (_Wiggles the picture to get Jamie's attention_)

Jamie: Hm? (_Sees the picture of her_) Wowo, what a slut… oh, wait, that's me! Oh, goodness! Why didn't I know about this before, even though it seems that they were handing these out at the school entrance and, aside from that, everyone has one! (_Shellshocked again_)

Audience: Wow… that is one crappy superimposed picture. How can they even tell it's her face, in fact?

Observant audience: They could have at least made the model's body black and white to match the face.

Jamie: (_Runs_ _away, straight into Landon, who holds her_)

Landon: OOoof! Owww, watch where you're--- oh, hi Jamie! What's up?

Jamie: (_Cries_)

Landon: Why… you're upset!

Romantic audience: Ohhh, what a sensitive, intuitive boyfriend.

Cynical Audience: (_Stares incredulously at romantic audience_)

Landon: I'll take care of this! (_Walks up to main jerk and shoves him_)

Main jerk: Grrrr! (_Shoves him back_)

Brunette skank: Hey, don't shove him!

Main jerk: GROWLLL! Shut up, woman! (_Turns around, right into Landon's fist_) Ow! I'm not your friend anymore! We're through! We're over! Finito!

Slashy audience: Aww… regretable. Bet the sex was fiery and passionate.

Main jerk: You're not my friend! I hate you! … You smell! … I hate you! Moron!

Brunette skank: Wow… he's been using that word-a-day beer dispenser I bought him.

_Outside, Jamie and Landon are walking to the parking lot_

Landon: That must have been traumatic. I'll take you home.

_And, true to his word, he takes her home. In the car in front of her house, she's finally calmed down_

Landon: (_Thinking_) _Unrxpected phase- play the hero: success. Now … on to phase three: the actual seduction!  
_  
Jamie: I'll be ok… Thanks for rescuing me, though I've probably missed all of my afternoon classes. And thanks for driving me home in your car, even though I've got my own car.

Landon: Sure! … Wanna go out with me?

Jamie: Yes—I mean no! …No… I've… got… a… thing… a thing where… my dad won't let me date people.

Landon: I could pretend to be a tree… or a penguin.

Jamie: You know what I mean.

Landon: Yeah, yeah… (_thinking_) _Damn… and I was excited about buying a tree costume, too…_

**Scene: Church**

_Pastor Sullivan is reading his bible, making sure that it's absolutely positively against him dating his young new hotness._

Pastor Sullivan: (_Crossing out parts of it_) This is juuust fiiiine…

_Landon walks in, and Pastor Sullivan throws his pen behind him_

Pastor Sullivan: Oh, nothing!

Landon: I didn't see nothing! … Er… so… mind if I take your daughter to dinner on Saturday?

Pastor Sullivan: She, um… doesn't eat.

Landon: Mind if I take her to a movie?

Pastor Sullivan: I most certainly do mind.

Landon: Pwetty pwease?

Pastor Sullivan: (_Ignores him_)

Landon: With sugar and ice-cream on top?

Pastor Sullivan: Talk to the elbow, it's not worth the extension.

Landon: Wow… I didn't know people still said that…

Pastor Sullivan: Go away.

Landon: Well, ok… but I did happen to see you eyeballing Jamie at the play.

Pastor Sullivan: …

_Cut to Jamie and Landon at a fancy outdoor restaurant_

Romantic audience: Awww, she's wearing the sweater he gave her!

Cynical audience: Everyone else is in spring attire… is she anemic or something?

Landon: Order whatever you want, babycakes! (_Flashes his mom's diner's card_)

Jamie: (_Smiley emocon_)

_It takes her a split second to finish off two entrees, a basket of breadsticks and a few glasses of tea. She's polishing off a cake, when the waiter comes. Landon, it seems, hasn't taken a bite of his cake_

Waiter: Everything ok? (_Takes their plates_) … Wow… she sure can eat…

Landon: Tell me about it… where does it all go?

Jamie: Hm? What was that?

Landon: (_Quickly_) Nothing! Aa-ha-ha-ha…

Jamie: Oh… let's dance!

Landon: Er… Landon doesn't dance.

Jamie: Oh?

Landon: Yeah! I'm mean… Oh, wait, no I'm not… that was a front. I just never learned to dance.

Jamie: Sure you can. Pleeeeease?

Landon: I'll need some cajoling.

Jamie: (_Flashes a sweet/sorta pleading look_)

Landon: Sold!

_The two run up to the dance stage, where two old couples are dancing. They awkwardly begin to dance._

Landon: (_does the obligatory stepping on her foot_) Ooops! Sorry.

Cynical audience: That wasn't an accident; you were looking right at your feet.

Landon: Er… (_Making small talk_) So, about that list… I have one, too. My number one goal is graduating from high school.

Cynical audience: Good luck with _that_.

Jaded audience: A real man of ambitions, that one.

Jamie: You can do better'n that!

_They continue to dance under the stars. After a while, they're driving on some road. Landon stops the car._

Jamie: Double you tee eff?

Landon: You'll see.

_He has her stand on the road._

Landon: This is the state boarder. So one foot is there, one foot's there… voila! Two places at once!

Romantic audience: AWWW!

Cynical audience: That doesn't count…

Slashy audience: Are we in the mid-west? 'Cause I'm sensin' some corn…

Landon: See? Just like on your list!

Cynical audience: He's making fun of you again…

_Jamie hugs him tightly. Cut to the two of them in the car._

Landon: I have a fine selection of tattoos here. So which do you like, madamne?

Jaded audience: (_Mimicking_) Bought it with my own quarter, Jamie!

Landon: (_Ignoring the audience_) How 'bout the butterfly? It's my favo--- I mean, it's pretty… like you. So, where do you want it?

Cynical audience: (_Snicker_)

Romantic audience: SHHHH! You know what he meant.

_Jamie pulls down the strap of her dress and indicates her shoulder. Landon gulps, but then regains his composure and puts the tattoo on her. He peels it away, and the image of a butterfly is perfectly on her shoulder, despite the fact that he didn't wait two minutes, as the directions clearly state. He blows on her tattoo to "dry it". Nobody believes that. Landon touches her shoulder. His fingers slide down to the tattoo, then slowly trail off of her shoulder._

Romantic audience: Oooo, romantic touching… fingertips…

Cynical audience: (_Vomits_)

Movie Theatre Employee: (_muttering_) I _told_ them that we needed to equip the seats with airsick bags if we were going to show this movie, but _nooooo_…

Boyfriends that were dragged to see this: (_Furiously take notes_)

Slashy audience: (_Pretends Jamie is a man_)

_Landon looks up and smiles with his amazingly pouty lips. Jamie smiles, too, and it seems that they're wearing the same brand of pale pink lipstick. In the next scene, the two are walking along the pier._

Jamie: So you have no faith, eh?

Landon: Nope.

Jamie: Well… faith is like… the wind.

_The wind miraculously blows right at that moment_

Jamie: I can just… feeeel it.

Landon: … Wow… can you make it rain next?

Jamie: Nope. One miracle per day.

Landon: Oh… Ok, enough romantic tension. Kissy time! I mean… (_Voice drops an octave and becomes a whisper_) I might kiss you…

Jamie: Oh… my first kiss… I'm sorry if I'm not good at it…

Observant audience: First kiss? WTF? Amnesia much?

Landon: (In his I'm-being-seductive voice) You'll do just fine…

_He puts one hand on her face, tilts his head and kisses her._

Romantic audience: OH! So innocent, and loving and pure!

Cynical audience: That never happens in real life.

Slashy Audience: (_Pretends Landon is a woman with a really butch haircut_) Yeeeah… that's good stuff.

Landon: (_Pulls away and Whispers_) Jamie… I love you.

Romantic audience: (_Squeals_)

Jaded audience: Oh, yeah, sure.

Cynical audience: Oldest line in the book.

Romantic audience member One: What? You're so bitter! Haven't you ever been in love? Haven't you ever felt that way before?

Cynical audience member one: I think I did once… but it turned out to be stomach flu.

Landon: Come on… say it back.

Jamie: But I told you not to fall in love with me…

Landon: (_Realizing he broke his promise and is a bad, bad Landon_) (_Gets over it and kisses her again_)


	5. Finally! Something Realistic

Sadly, I have to put this here to shield myself from potential useless flames:

This chapter deals with the "depressing" aspect of the film. Please understand that I'm not trying to make light of Leukemia. Please save your flames of "My best friend's mother's sister has leukemia so stop making fun of it!" for someone that's actually trying to offend.

As always I don't own this concept. Also, if I've offended any romantics out there then (fill in cynical and/or snarky comment of choice here. Do not excede fifty characters).

* * *

_Landon and Jamie are happily walking together. They're probably one of those annoying couples that does everything together. Landon's old in-crowd sort of mumbles something, but nobody cares. Later on, Landon is walking Jamie home. He stops and kisses her at their doorstep. Pastor Sullivan walks out._

Pastor Sullivan: Shoo! Shoo! (_Pokes Landon with a stick_) Go home! Go on! Go home!

Landon: Owch! 'Night Jamie… (_Scampers off_)

Pastor Sullivan: Bad Jamie! Sinful! Holding hands with him… do you realize that when you hold his hand, you're holding hands with every other person he held hands with?

Jamie: (_Purely_) I love him. See? I even took out my ponytail for him!

Pastor Sullivan: Well what about your deep, dark secret? It'll hurt him in the end. (_Walks off to let her think about that_)

**Scene: The big ol' empty field**

_The two are gonna do some stargazin'!_

Jamie: So, what do you want to see?

Cynical audience: Snicker

Romantic audience: Shut up! You knew what she meant!

Landon: I dunno. Something. Look. I have tasty beverages and a blanket... Wink wink, nudge nudge... uhhh (_ seeing that she's not having it_) Did I say a blanket? I meant two blankets! Here… this one's for you!

Jamie: Much better.

Landon: Good now look for … this star.

Jamie: Why?

Landon: Someone may or may not have gotten it named after you.

Jamie: No way!

Landon: Way! (_Hands over the official document_)

Cynical audience: That thing is such a ripoff.

Observant audience: Where'd he get the cash for that?

Jamie: Ohhh, how sweet! (_Whispers_) I love you…

Cynical audience: Is she talking to him or the star documentation?

_The two share a really lippy kiss, and make that squelching noise when they pull apart. The Romantic audience is squeeing, while the Cynical audience is vaguely reminded of two wet suction cups being pulled apart. They keep kissing, and it begins to sound like he's sucking out the rotting innards of an overly-ripe peach._

Jamie: (_Pulls back_) Mmmhh…

Cynical audience: Finally…

Landon: Too much?

Jamie: No, but if we keep this up, I won't get to tell you about how item one on my life list is to get married in the church where my dead mom married my over-protective dad.

Landon: Oh… (_Kisses her cheek_)

**Scene: Landon's house**

_Landon sneaks up behind his mom, who is at the garden table. _

Landon: Boogy-boo!

Mom: AAAA! … Oh, it's you… not child services… whew. So, when did you get in?

Landon: Um… a while ago…

Mom: Were you with Jamie?

Landon: Er…

Mom: … Chika-bwah, chika-bwa-waaahh…

Landon: HEY! We did not!

Mom: Oh… couldn't get it up?

Landon: I'm not having this conversation…

Mom: Ok, I'll stop… incidentally, I found that list of things you want to do with your life and I thought I'd just tell you that… well…

Landon: (_Groan_)

Mom: Honey, usually people who want to… Looks at list Get into medical school have more than two brain cells to rub together…

Landon: Don't you think I know that? I'm different mom! I've changed! … There was a montage and everything! I'm willing to work at this! Anyway, Jamie believes in me.

Mom: Fine, but I'm not paying for grad school.

_Landon and Jamie are walking through a busy part of town. They walk past a club full of Landon's old in-crowd, and they shun him. _

Brunette skank: You are dead to me! (_Spits on the ground_)

Landon: Wow… it's a wonder they find time to fill out college applications… you know? How are yours coming?

Jamie: Oh, I'm not applying.

Landon: Cool, cool. Watcha gonna be doing?

Jamie: Dying.

Landon: Hu?

_They walk into a wide alleyway where you'd think tons of teens would be hanging out. Jamie turns to him. _

Jamie: Landon… I'm sick.

Landon: Don't be so hard on yourself, Jamie. Lots of people like Christian rap.

Jamie: No, no I mean like, really sick. (_Tears in her eyes_) I have leukemia.

Landon: … No you don't!

Jamie: Yes, I do. And also, the chemotherapy (That should probably leave me hairless, but instead has given me a thick shiny mane of chocolate locks) has stopped working.

Romantic Audience: Oh, no!

Cynical Audience: For someone dying of a disease where your blood cells wage war, she sure is pink and radiant.

Observant Audience: She eats a lot, too.

Landon: And you were gonna tell me this… when?

Jamie: I thought you'd figure it out when I started wasting away and eventually stopped breathing. Either that or I was going to wait until you were in a good mood.

Landon: Perfect timing.

Jamie: (_Beginning to sob_) Everything was going great… and then you happened!

Landon: (_tearing up_) That's exactly what my mom said to me!

Jamie: … Runs away

Landon: (_Makes angry manly faces, trying not to cry_)

Cynical audience: What a drama queen… both of them.

_Filled with sadness, Landon goes driving. He ends up at a big stone house. He runs up to it, rings the doorbell and pounds on the door. Landon's sleepy dad emerges. _

Dad: Do you know what time it is?

Observant audience: Is that all? Where's the rage? "Well la-dee-da. Look who showed up. Mr. I-don't-wanna-talk-to-my-daddy himself!"

Landon: I need your help! My girlfriend has cancer!

Dad: Well what do you want _I _should do?

Landon: Come see her!

Dad: You… do realize that I'm a cardiologist… right?

Landon: … So you won't help me! I should have known!

Dad: Fine. I'll go get my home-chemo kit and I'll meet you down here in ten minutes.

Landon: Thanks, dad!

Dad: Sure. While I'm at it, I might as well get my anti-AIDs elixir. Any of your friends HIV positive?

Landon: Wow! Really?

Dad: No.

Landon: … Grrrr! Runs away just as some hot blonde comes out of the house

Dad: (_Sighs_) … Idiot…

_Landon drives, right into a montage. He's stuck there for about a minute, until he finally ends up at the pier, where he stands, watching the water. Eric falls through a plot hole and lands beside him. _

Eric: Hey… you ok?

Landon: Yeah… bummed.

Eric: Sorry.

Landon: S'aright.

_Having made up, they do their secret handshake. Slashy audience smiles happily. Cut to Landon putting the contents of a flower store on Jamie's porch. Pastor Sullivan walks up to the porch _

Landon: Tell Jamie that…(_Dramatic pause_) I'll always be there for her. (_Runs off_)

Pastor Sullivan: Hey… how am I supposed to get inside of my house with all of these flowers? (_Shouting after him_) HEY! … (_Picks up a bouquet and smells_) Ooo, lilacs…

**Scene: Landon's Garage**

_Landon's fixing his car when Jamie comes by. _

Jamie: Hi… sorry about the whole not telling you I was dying thing.

Landon: S'ok. … but shouldn't you be at home resting?

Jamie: I have leukemia, I'm not crippled. (_laughs_)

Landon: (_angrily_) Hey, this is about as funny as cancer! Jamie, I'm really scared!

Jamie: (_Starts with the waterworks again_) I'm scared of not being with you.

Romantic audience: (_Tears up_)

Jaded audience: Needy bastard, aren't 'ya?

Cynical audience: No, Jamie. You won't care—you'll be DEAD.


	6. Finale: The Corpse's Groom

Here we are at the end. Hope I've entertained people. If you know of any romantic wonky teen movies that I can download and "observe" tell me and I'll probably try it out.

* * *

**Scene: Landon's house**

Landon: Hey, mom! Come help me with another self-bettering montage!

Mom: Sure thing!

_And so mommy teaches him to dance. The montage fades to him dancing with Jamie on her porch. Later on, Landon is at the cemetery, fixing up a telescope Auxiliary jerk comes by_

Auxiliary Jerk: … Want some help?

Landon: That'd be nice.

_Landon goes to work measuring some things. Later on, Jamie is napping in her bedroom when she's awakened by what sounds like titanium nails on a chalkboard. She gets up to investigate, and sees that Landon is building something._

Pastor Sullivan: Does he have to do that _right_ _here_? And while you're napping?

Jamie: (_Stares at her dad with wide eyes_)

Pastor Sullivan: (_blushing_) Why… Jamie, I never knew you felt this way…

Jamie: (_Faints into his arms_)

Pastor Sullivan: JAMIE!

Cynical audience: How convenient that she just happened to save her fainting fit for when someone was there to catch her.

Observant audience: WTF? She never fainted before!

Romantic audience: (_Glares_)

_Jamie is rushed to the hospital. Landon waits by her side in her room (which also looks like a hotel room). She is hooked up to a heart monitor and has tubes in her arms and nose. A single light from behind her illuminates her as Landon holds her tube-infused hand._

Cynical audience: Drama queen…

Landon: (_Looks dramatically at the heart monitor_) I… I wish I knew what that meant.

_He stays with her all night, at one point even sleeping next to her, right on (apparently) her tube-infused arm (Ouch). Fortunately, when Pastor Sullivan peeks into the room the next day, Landon is sitting where he was. Pastor Sullivan walks into the room._

Pastor Sullivan: Mind if I---

Landon: I'm not sleepy. Tube-encrusted arms make good mattresses.

Pastor Sullivan: But I need a minute alone with Jamie… just a minute.

Landon: (_Exits thinking_) It'll take more than a minute for you to get it up… (_Wades his way through the sap and violin music_)

Jamie: (_Weakly_) Da...ddy…

Cynical Audience: Drama Queen.

Pastor Sullivan: Let's reminisce about when you were young…

Jamie: (_Smiles_)

Pastor Sullivan: It'll be a good way to lead into your dead mom… which is where this is going.

Jamie: (_Whispering in a voice near death_) I love you…

Romantic audience: _Sniff_…

_Cynical audience shakes their heads, wondering how she can bear to make her poor old widowed dad cry with lines like that._

**Scene: Landon's Porch**

_Blonde skank runs up to Landon, this time wearing something not-so-skanky. We finally see where Jamie's ponytail disappeared to._

Blonde Skank: Everyone's saying sorry, and I never miss out on a trend! I'm sorry, too! I may be a vindictive bitch, but my mom taught me never to be mean to a girl dying of leukemia!

Landon: (_Doesn't recognize her when she's not being mean or frowning_)

Blonde skank: And… it's cool that you're with her.

Cynical Audience: You mean "Score! What're the chances of him hooking up with someone that'll be dead in a few scenes! I'll just act nice now, shed a few tears at the funeral and BAM! Makeup slash Comfort sex!"

_In the next scene, Landon is visiting dying!Jamie. He's flipping through a magazine when she begins to wake up. He rushes to her._

Landon: How're you feeling? (_Kisses her for the seventy-billionth time and sits on he bed_)

Jamie: Ok… the dramatic lighting of the room and the soft romantic colors are a nice touch, don't you think? … Um… you're sitting on my tube-riddled arm.

Landon: Oh, right... sorry. (_Gets up_)

Jamie: Here you go- my dead mom's diary. I think you'll be able to put it to better use now. I mean… we've only known each other for a few months, but… well, that's like years with my short lifespan.

Landon: (_Kisses her yet again_) Let me read a few passages. Here's one about friends. Aw, that's nice. Here's one about being yourself. Nice! … And somehow appropriate.

Cynical Audience: Five bucks says the next one's, about love.

Landon: Love is—

Cynical Audience: A-ha.

Romantic audience: SSSSSHHH!

_Romantic audience stares and tears up as Landon reads that old "love is" poster that's in every single school on earth. Cynical and Jaded audience just kinda looks bored, and mildly sickened when Jamie starts reciting it with him. _

Jamie: I was thinking… God has a big plan for me… bigger than even my list.

Observant Audience: Uhh… isn't that one of the givens of a super-devout believer such as yourself?

_Jamie does a really dramatic little monologue, complete with dramatic pauses and breathy voice. Despite feeling a little sorry for her, jaded audience kinda wishes she'd just die already. Jamie, seeing that Landon's not crying, but is about to break, takes a deep breath, and puts on a brave smile. Observant audience braces for the big emotional impact. Jamie waits for a tiny break in the violin music._

Jamie: (_Breathily_) You're my angel…

Landon and Romantic Audience: WAAAAAAHHHH!

Cynical audience: Drama queen.

Landon: (_Kisses her again_)

Slashy Audence: Deja Vu.

_In the next scene, Jamie's very alive body is being wheeled out of her room._

Landon: Double you tee eff?

Pastor Sullivan: You remember your dad?

Landon: My no good, rotten, walking out on me, won't-even-cure-my-girlfriend's-cancer dad? Yeah… I remember him.

Pastor Sullivan: He's going to pay for private expensive home care for her.

Landon: Oh… well then... shoot…

_So Landon goes to his dad's house, once again, in the middle of the night and knocks on his door_

Dad: (_Sleepily_) Have you any concept of night and day? … oh… (_Sees that his son is doing that manly crying thing where there are tears, but no actual crying because the Cliché Romantic Movies 4 Stoopid Teens Council (The CRM4STC) has made it illegal for male leads to actually cry on camera_)

Landon: (_Manly voice breaking_) Thank you… for helping a girl you've never actually been introduced to just to make me… h-h-happy… (_Shakes_)

Dad: Aww, come here, my sexy, sobbing, wet-faced son… (_Hugs him_) Whose back and arms are all muscle-y and who smells of manly cologne… my beautiful legal-age son…

Slashy Audience: OMG! CARTERCEST! It was so obvious the whole time! OTP!

**Scene: Sullivan's Yard**

Pastor Sullivan: Landon, do you even go home anymore?

Landon: Nope. I'm building Jamie's telescope so she can see the comet before she dies.

Pastor Sullivan: Yeah, I know. Sometime between her fainting and now, we've become friends and I'm helping with the telescope.

Landon: Oh.. I… forgot.

_They somehow finish by the next night, when Jamie and Landon are on her balcony with her telescope. Landon and Jamie, as usual, are holding each-other. Cynical Audience does a collective eyeball roll._

Jamie: It's the most interesting telescope I've ever seen.

Landon: Go on… use it.

Jamie: Ok, but I'm so reluctant to let go of you…

Landon: And I you…

Romantic audience: What passionate lovers…

Cynical audience: (_Throws up_)

Observant Audience: That's not love. That's addiction. And it's not healthy _or_ cute.

_Jamie looks through the telescope for two seconds and sees the comet because the telescope just happened to be in the exact right position and needed no adjusting._

Jamie: Oooo… now I can die.

Landon: … All that work just for that tiny bit of viewing… oh, well, I won't dwell on it. (_Sits next to her_) Do you love me?

Jamie: Yes…

Landon: Will you do something for me?

Jamie: Anything…

Jaded audience: (_Snickers_)

Romantic Audience: What? What's so funny about that?

Jaded audience: (_Snickers_) "Well, Jamie, it's not gonna suck itself"

Slashy audience: (_Snickers, too_)

Landon: (_Whispers_) Will you marry me?

Jamie: (_Dramatic smile and her eyes say yes... somehow_)

Romantic audience: (_Cheers_)

Observant audience: She's gonna die in two… ohhh, I see… sacrament of consummation, eh? And then she dies right before it has a chance to get boring… Oh, we're on to you, Landon…

Jaded audience: Just wait 'till he sees how much weddings cost. Ohhhh, no, the bride's parents pay for it… oh, we're on to you, Landon…

_And so they get married in Jamie's dead mom's church, as was on her list. Landon doesn't look too bad in his suit, and Jamie, wearing a Virgin Mary veil, looks radiant--- too radiant for someone dying of leukemia._

Wedding attendant: I thought she was dying of leukemia and bed ridden.

Other wedding attendant: I think it gave her the day off for her wedding.

Wedding Attendant: What a thoughtful illness!

_It takes a full montage for her to walk up to the alter. The music in the background is the same song she sang in the play. Everyone's there, including Auxiliary jerk and Eric. Main jerk seems to have been sacrificed to the almighty plot hole and is not there._

Pastor Sullivan: Love is patient, ect, ect.

Landon: (_Whispering asPastor Sullivan istalking_) I love you.

Pastor Sullivan: Ssshhh.

Landon: Sorry.

Jamie: (_Mouthing back_) I love you.

Pastor Sullivan: That goes for you, too, princess.

Jamie: He started it.

Pastor Sullivan: It is never jealous… (_Looks at his sexy dying kid sadly when he says jealous_)

Observant audience: He's not even looking at the words.

_There's a montage of wedding vows._

Landon: I, Landon Carter.. do solemnly swear… to tell the truth… the whole truth… and nothing but--- (_Pastor Sullivan whispers in his ear_) Oh, right! Sorry. I'm just so used to having to say that…

Girl from the play: You picked a reee-eeal winner there, Jamie.

Landon's voiceover:_ My love Jamie and I had a wonderful loving summer full of love together… and we were in love. Then she died. And that made me sad.  
_  
Cynical Audience: Finally…

Jaded audience: Bet that solved the argument about who got the last piece of wedding cake.

Landon's Voiceover: _I'm still alive, four years later. Apparently… leukemia isn't contagious. I never knew that.  
_  
_Landon is going to visit Pastor Sullivan_

Pastor Sullivan: Hi there, Landon. So, what's been happening these four years? Hurry, we've only got a few minutes left before end credits.

Landon: I, of course, got into med school. And… here. (_Gives him Jamie's mom's book_) I'm… sorry she never…got to see her miracle…

Pastor Sullivan: You were her miracle. Watching you… um…

Cynical audience: Watching him transform from a self-centered jerk? The fact that he managed to break through her Purity McPrudence act and actually like her? What?

Pastor Sullivan: Umm… let's just leave it at you were her miracle.

Landon: … (_Looks as though he's going to cry_)

_In the next scene, Landon is walking by the pier mournfully._

Landon's voice-over: _I miss my dead wife… but she taught me a lot… Like… never dismiss the hotness of a girl with a ponytail… because she can turn out to be hot. And also… leukemia is really bad and makes people cry. But it's not contagious. Our love is like the wind… it comes when the director cues it up. … (_Whispering_) I love you, Jamie…  
_  
_End credits roll_

Romantic Audience: That was so beautiful…

Cynical audience: That was two hours of my life that I'll never get back.

Romantic audience: Oh, hush. One day you'll find true love

Cynical Audience: Yeah probably… Leukemia _is_ on the rise.

Jaded audience: Well at least the ending was funny…

Slashy audience: Landon/Pastor SullivanOTP.

Observant audience: You know… it took longer for them to fall in love than it did for her to die.

* * *

That's basically the entire movie. You've done the reading, so how 'bout a little review? 


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